This is Addiction

Pulsating,
My vein throb me the sensation of this, This is dizziness,
This is lightness.
Oh I can’t handle that pulsation,
All tricking me, making me think I’m walking straightly.

Pulsating,
My anger is forgotten,
My worries folding,
My happiness,
They are quivering,
Now this is a sensation,
Cause what I feel is a good oblivion.

Pulsating,
My chappy lips,
My blindfolded eyes,
This blindness means euphoria.
Seeing with my skin,
My vein pulsating,
I am pulsation.

I’m saying goodbye to the heavenly sensory,
This is a deceitful pulsation,
This is a sensory, this is a body that going to be dead so
I’m saying goodbye to the heavenly sensory,

Eyes closing,
This is pulsation,
This is earthquake,
This cold sweat.

Eyes closing,
This is ice, not blood, eyes closing,
This is fire,
Not body.

This is a hurtful signal to stop so I step out of my bed,

I took back my heavenly pulsation,
I’m back pulsating,
I’ll make it up, you watch me,
I’ll stop it all,
You know me,
I’ll throw it all tomorrow,
I’ll detox it all,
Tomorrow.

Silence

You present me the wildest lullaby when you touch my lips with yours.

You taste me as if you’re licking a small sip of most precious wine,

As we stopped talking, your palm is up above mine,

When I was there at my phone rehearsal, I was wondering if you could hear nothingness and somehow understand my words.

While I was there at the phone rehearsal, it mesmerized me that you thought there still be word we can exchange.

 

 

Certain Disturbances

One. Knock.

Two. Knock.

A third knock and I will get out of my glorified position- knock.

So I open the door, the french ‘con’ of my landlord is on my door. They said that he really loved the narration about french in Titanic movie, so much that he decided to learn french and starting spend much time to act like a french man.

“How can I help you?” I ask him. “It is actually not really appreciated that you’re here.”

“Ah Mr. Jake,” he answered in a fake french accent, “There is a complaint about your room, uhm, the room next to you complained that there is a certain disturbances.”

“What kind of disturbances?”

“Well, as we all know- she is a bit lunatic, don’t you think?” He started to laugh awkwardly, happy but awkwardly, “You don’t keep cats don’t you?”

I just feel like laughing also, “No. Even I am allergic to cats.”

“Dog? Ferret? Hamster? As per our contract, don’t you agree that not even ants pet can be kept?”

“I do agree. Look, this is kind of awkward, I can tell you thousand of time that I don’t have a pet and you’ll just still standing here insisting that I have pet. How about you go and check my room?”

He’s back with his awkward laughter again, “Yes, that would be appreciated.”

We are now in my living room, he say, looking at the picture on the wall,”Ah. I don’t know that you have a daughter.”

“That is the third mistake you did today.”

“Pardon me?”

“That’s not my daughter, the picture on the wall.”

“Ahh. I see.”

“The first mistake was insisting that I have a pet.”

He is back with his laughter, “So the third one that you have a daughter, eh? So what is my second mistake?”

“Well,” My mind is a bit wandering, how the hell that lunatic lady beside my room is hearing ‘certain disturbances.’ My mind is thinking about french and my landlord, about the girl far far away that her picture is hanged on my wall, what am I going to do after this, “Second one is entering this room. Your second mistake was entering this room.”

As She Is Leaning, Grabbing the Knife

I find blood dripping off her canine as the most fulfilling part of my life
Was it blindness,
Or simply a retarded euphoria,
That I’ll want to touch her nails.
As I find her,
I simply feel like tying her down to my chest, as we’d share warmth and wrath.

And they started to a repeat an anthem that
She is filthy,
Dirty,
Dirty
Unusual creature made from God’s anger,

I keep finding her as the main character of my story-
God,
As she is leaning, grabbing the knife.

As if my hand being crushed by a warm wave, filled with her joy.

As she is leaning, holding the knife,
As I breathe the last air I breath
As she is leaning, stabbing my dreams, sprawling over my useful want,

I feel like all my sadness just vaporated.

She’s there for all that mattered,
As she is crushing every bit of my vein,
As she mercifully stepping on my head, my thinking :
I find blood dripping her canine as the most fulfilling part of my life.

You Cow

I’d like a moment to hide.

But it is too yellow,

The label on my ear.

I am too fat so that

I can only close my eyes and hope nobody in hell would see me.

‘You coward, go here and die,’ insult him.

I’d like to run but I’m chained,

And if I were able to, someone will track me and drag me and kill me and torture me and hurt my kid and scale me and sllice me

‘You tard, who in the fuck you think you are,’ as he beat my bones.

And so I roll on my floor

And I know that seeing sun is such a luxury,

And I’ve been impregnated too many many time.

I’m just here being down in the slightest hope maybe I’ll remember my sons or daughters for a second

But my knee is what in my head for this second,

My holes and cheast is too much aching that I shed a tear,

‘You cow,’ insult him again, ‘Gonna go and hit you with all my palm, right before you die.’


 

I simply feel amazed that it’s been almost a year that I went vegan. I’m amazed that it feels just like yesterday, and the fact that it was so easy amazed me. I remember I used to call my friend asking what on earth I will even eat, what if I die, what if I can let go of fucking chocolate. Funnily I eat, I live, and I eat fucking chocolate also. But what amazed me more is how many people tease me and think I’m eating a full cup of politic, I was eating doctrine as I choose to be vegan. The mock me, but I know the state we are living in, and Im happy in mind (and mouth also) that I’m vegan. What a thrilling year!

 

The Book About You

I read you as a sad book,
The book where I find myself unintentionally crying,
Gasping as I feel sharp pain on my lungs.

I read you as a happy book,
Where I find your smile, your gesture, as warthm shining on my cold cruel world,

Gosh I read you as a scream book,
The book where I feel frustrated,
Where the days I feel you’re existence almost like light,
Nonexistent yet its ray cast through me,
I read you as every word I mumble.

Mess of the Weird Blasphemy

The rabbi laughs uncontrollably,
His knee down touching the earth.
In front of the door a wolf successfully lured a woman,
Squealing jinxes and prayer and cursing,
The indecent woman hoping,
Half running in sacred loop.
Head down,
Tears running also,
And a man walking like there’s no tomorrow.
Dirty, indecent, hateful sorrow.
Walking like a fool wishing for gold,
Sinner with veil mumbling prayer,
The rabbi just keep laughing,
Holding down onto his stomach,
Knee down touching the earth.

Alien Above

There is an alien above,
I can’t stop thinking that he’s so similar with me.
I pretend not to feel the burnt on my back,
He always looking at me with such passionate gaze.
I sing anything beautiful, I draw thousands of galaxy, I breath, I think and I fall asleep,

Mildly wishing that he’ll catch me on his mind.

Yet words can never be uttered
Ear to ear,
Never contact eyes to eyes,
Wildy lusting touch and touch
And heat and heat
And palm to palm
And I think it is too far,

Too hopeful.