Month: November 2015

This is Addiction

Pulsating,
My vein throb me the sensation of this, This is dizziness,
This is lightness.
Oh I can’t handle that pulsation,
All tricking me, making me think I’m walking straightly.

Pulsating,
My anger is forgotten,
My worries folding,
My happiness,
They are quivering,
Now this is a sensation,
Cause what I feel is a good oblivion.

Pulsating,
My chappy lips,
My blindfolded eyes,
This blindness means euphoria.
Seeing with my skin,
My vein pulsating,
I am pulsation.

I’m saying goodbye to the heavenly sensory,
This is a deceitful pulsation,
This is a sensory, this is a body that going to be dead so
I’m saying goodbye to the heavenly sensory,

Eyes closing,
This is pulsation,
This is earthquake,
This cold sweat.

Eyes closing,
This is ice, not blood, eyes closing,
This is fire,
Not body.

This is a hurtful signal to stop so I step out of my bed,

I took back my heavenly pulsation,
I’m back pulsating,
I’ll make it up, you watch me,
I’ll stop it all,
You know me,
I’ll throw it all tomorrow,
I’ll detox it all,
Tomorrow.

Another Drink for Later

My first memory was me laughing with him.
He’s been around so much.
He’s like a watch to me, only when I take a bath he’s not around.

“You look good.”
I laugh because I know he is telling the opposite.

I laugh because I know no cancer patient that going to be dead because they can’t find lung donor looks good.

“I feel like crap. Give me another morphine.”
“You’ll dead of OD, idiot.”

He just keep looking at me while I’m coughing, feeling my lungs is tearing.

This is a moment.
This is a moment whether I’m going to feel remorse of not living my life the fullest, or I’m going to die feeling content.
This is a crucial moment.

I laugh, “Life’s suck.”
He’s just staring at me. Now he evert his eyes, voicing this sentence as quiet as he can,
“I don’t think mine is.”
He is back staring at my eyes again, “Don’t us always have a crazy drink every time life fucking with us?”
“Ha ha.. hell yeah. I really wish we can have another toast.”

That’s it, I’m crying, over the fact I can’t have another drink with my best friend, over the fact I’m going to be dead in a minute, over the fact how lame my own organ about to kill me, over the fact I don’t deserve cancer, but then he open his mouth,

“We will have another toast, right?”

He is longing, not looking at my eyes.
There is a hidden expression of seeing an altar on it,
His eyes worshipping mine, his lips smiling at me,
I understand,
I know, I understand, and so he tell me,

“Next life.”

That is pair of eyes loving.
That is a hand gesturing sadness in happiness,
That is a sentence encouraging braveness,

That is a smile I need to look to.

That is a smile that stating my last memory is something beautiful, as something filled with hope.
This is a smile that telling me I’ve achieve everything great while I’m alive, a smile that telling me I’m won over this illness, I’m greater than anything, I’m brave, I’m going to have another toast with him, another drink on our next life.

Absurdity Match You

Words combination I like usually very absurd.
Palpation of a coward, the confidential back, january rain, washed with my clothes, kiddie palm with scissor,
-You

I’m arranging ‘the right’, and ‘frequency’ into one,
Because words combination I like usually absurd.

And the boiling rain temperature,
Thread of hair which crossing the street,
Toothache of a big clawed lion,
Remedy this wrong rhapsody,
Fingers on own shoulder,
-You.

Raw sketch of a rolling back,
I’m looking at you be a nonsense even in your sleep,
So run like a bird feather,
Talk to the screaming sand,
Listen to to the stilling concrete,
Dance along with the falling aloe,
Grab the dead bulk of bacon,
Pure love towards something hazardous,
-You
-Words combination I like usually very absurd

Automated Jim

I haven’t called you since God only Knows when.
Jim.
Jim.
Wake up.


I am walking in the automatic mode.
I am programmed to wake up, do my job, back home, and sleep just so I can wake up again.

So today I made a breakthrough.
I called my name repeatedly, hoping my soul back inhibit my body.
I called it desperately, before it gone too long.
I looked inside my chest, the numbness that I have never felt went away, I have never felt it only because I didn’t realize I was numb – and finally I was able to think clearly,
“Jim back, the longer you gone, the easier you broke a bone.
Back Jim, you actually can do anything.”

But what I tried was useless. Because there isn’t any me in this body. There isn’t in this physical body. There isn’t me/I/myself – a self, there have never been, so it was just a voice of something tickling inside a physical body. Inside the automated Jim, there have never been anything. Routines rolling his bones and flesh, hammering his soul, routines stealing his identity, bleaching Jim, corrupting Jim, – only true if Jim was actually existed.

Soft Strangulation – Adult Only

“I have something to tell you.”
“Not now, Josh, my neck feels awful.”
“It’s not Tetanus.”
“What else? You already joked about wrong position.”
“Well, it has something to do with why I don’t want to turn the light on when we do it.”
“Josh?”
“First of all, I’d like to tell you how much I love you.”

Last week I was checking my reflection on the mirror. I was strangling myself. Right when I felt I was going to black out, I stopped. As the purple strangle mark felt awfully hot, I felt tears in my eyes. My vision was finally getting clear, my tongue stopped popping out, my brain thumping, as my lungs gasping breath, I felt pleasure. The problem was, I knew that was not enough pleasure.

“I love strangulation.” That look on her face. Fingers fucking crossed. “I also love you.” I slowly undo my buttons, showing her my purple neck. “My strangulation means love. I swear.” Blue, you’re a shape formed by mystic majesty. Blue, you’re closer than her neck, Blue, you’re something to suck for. Blue, you turn this woman gaspin’, Blue. I’ll get you, Blue, I’ll paint you on my and her body, Neck her, get close to her neck, strangle it, Blue, let’s see the way she needing oxygen. Goodbye Mystical Blue, I let you dissolve just so I can see you later today. Mystical Blue, don’t fuck me up. She is checking my neck. “I strangle you on your sleep just because I love you.” Fuck. “You’re not going to leave me, right!?” She is running so fast, I can’t even catch her, “I’ll fucking let you smother me if that fucking makes you forgive me!”