Certain Disturbances

One. Knock.

Two. Knock.

A third knock and I will get out of my glorified position- knock.

So I open the door, the french ‘con’ of my landlord is on my door. They said that he really loved the narration about french in Titanic movie, so much that he decided to learn french and starting spend much time to act like a french man.

“How can I help you?” I ask him. “It is actually not really appreciated that you’re here.”

“Ah Mr. Jake,” he answered in a fake french accent, “There is a complaint about your room, uhm, the room next to you complained that there is a certain disturbances.”

“What kind of disturbances?”

“Well, as we all know- she is a bit lunatic, don’t you think?” He started to laugh awkwardly, happy but awkwardly, “You don’t keep cats don’t you?”

I just feel like laughing also, “No. Even I am allergic to cats.”

“Dog? Ferret? Hamster? As per our contract, don’t you agree that not even ants pet can be kept?”

“I do agree. Look, this is kind of awkward, I can tell you thousand of time that I don’t have a pet and you’ll just still standing here insisting that I have pet. How about you go and check my room?”

He’s back with his awkward laughter again, “Yes, that would be appreciated.”

We are now in my living room, he say, looking at the picture on the wall,”Ah. I don’t know that you have a daughter.”

“That is the third mistake you did today.”

“Pardon me?”

“That’s not my daughter, the picture on the wall.”

“Ahh. I see.”

“The first mistake was insisting that I have a pet.”

He is back with his laughter, “So the third one that you have a daughter, eh? So what is my second mistake?”

“Well,” My mind is a bit wandering, how the hell that lunatic lady beside my room is hearing ‘certain disturbances.’ My mind is thinking about french and my landlord, about the girl far far away that her picture is hanged on my wall, what am I going to do after this, “Second one is entering this room. Your second mistake was entering this room.”

A Guy

Instinct, Part 7 : A Dog Named Ogue

I’ve been practically living in this motel for a while. Funny, how a 32 years old man decided to ran away from house.

She has never think about the cheap smell on my motel, she will come almost every night to my motel. Some of the night, if we’re not that tired yet, we’re gonna hit the chair and we’ll be talking about atom, superhero until Elon Musk under influence of alcohol.

This night is that some of night.

“I have a dog,” I tell the wicked bitch. “A shiba inu. A fat one, my dog is.”

“Where is your dog now?”

“House.” I stopped blinking, I think thinking my house is still painful.

“I like dogs. Bring that one for me to see.”

“Nonsense.”

“Really?” she is raising her eyebrows, smiling wickedly, “Then we won’t have fun till you bring your dog.”

“Sorry, miss?”

“Don’t you think that’ll be fun?”

“What will?”
“The dog.”

“Ha. I won’t come back to my house and bring Ogue here just because you tell me to.”

Here comes her irrational giggles, she snog me and says, “Ogue? Cute name.” She whisper to me, “I. Want. To see it.” She is snogging me again, and leaving me there, drunk and confused.
I think she is not joking, it has been two weeks yet she hasn’t come. She left because she wanted to see a dog.

Instinct, Part 6 : You Are Wrong

Talking about the Obvious

A shoe is dirt, red shoe means elegance.

Legs means hairy, long legs belongs to a well-faced lady.

Living in the world where you’re free to love

The way world wants you to,

‘Have you fulfilled the requirement to be loved?’

 

I used to think I’ll have one grabbed tightly on my hands

I thought the world would stopped being ugly,

‘Mom, can I love that boy?’

‘Mom, can I love that?’

‘Mom, can I love?’

Look at that beautiful freak over there,

She is mental.

She does satanic deed,

 

Boy can I tell you how save your bleeding is

Or rather would you bite my lips.

‘She goes around and beating and getting beaten.’

I also think bird is something free.

You’re not a woman if you’re not able to cook.

 

The happy lost woman,

What I want is love and blood

“He surely loved her,

he was willing to bleed for her

Kink”

“Sorry beautiful fallen maiden,

I can’t stay any longer,”
“Bear me a little longer,

“I really can’t stay,”

Once I find him,

I’ll…

 

I’ve Been Living with a Mad Man/Woman

 

Honey, we got to clean the house after this,

Yea but maybe later, because I am a hoarder.

Our home flooded with things,

But memories also rolling it out, filling our heart with-

Honey shut up, you’re just a damn crap collector.

 

Maybe one day you’ll actually leave me

So I’ll just keep the statue of the gone-you

We will only choked by these piles of something in past,

Would you please just shove it all?

Even my bones throbbing out of love whenever I am near you,

You and the world are too meaningful for me to trash you both,

Honey I really need to see the sun

But the last time I saw sun,

I saw its shine on your face.

It is painful to be around you.

 

You are mad.

I strangely in love with a mad woman.

I’ve always known you as a madman-

Let me dress appropriately today,

I need to look normal so something won’t judge me for knowing you-

Sorry that you accidentally felt affection towards me,

I wanted a kid

I wanted a room to breath,

I want to see the tiles.

I can assure you, something in past told something about that

Well whatever,

Your lips make me wanna kiss something.

Your cold attitude make me wanna warm you,

Yeah because love is divine’s punishment

Only when you were around I’d feel completed

Only when you were away I’d feel my whole body

Maybe we just fucking shut up and memorize

Feel

The shining warmth of these useless kisses

Girl, Call

They call me red because the red light ignites my body.
or because red means stop – no access over there.

They call me black because it is the color of sin.
Also, I live on every dark alley,
on the road full of lust-
Full of animal desire-
I exhibit my red heels,
This dark dirty road is my catwalk,
eyes of the lonely witnessing my elegance,

They call me skank-
I’m just accompany of loneliness,
I’m just a momentary happiness,
They call me slut-
I’m just man’s ally.
I’m just looking for food,
They call me bitch-
I’m just so good at pleasuring you,
I’m just lonely, insecure.
They call me angel,
praising how kind-hearted my soul is,
I always there, ending their misery,
They call me beautiful,
something they can’t ever have,
They praise me because I accompany them,
and I call myself nothing.

I call myself nothing.

Another Nightmare

The fortress I saw in my dream has two hallways.

The first hallway ended on a square reddish room,
The second hallway was too long, I can’t peek what inside it,
All I knew, those hallways emitting a bad aura.

And there was a game.
There were two seperated groups, and I couldn’t feel nothing but terrified.
I asked the game’s moderator,
“can I not join this game?”
I asked that because I knew if I join the game, I would be dead.

The game started and I knew that’ll be the end of me,

Just right when I believed I’ll be a part of two dead groups, I suddenly stand outside the fortress.

I was with a man, young man, I didn’t know who was he but he pointed the smallest part of the fortress and said,
“Look, someone is dead.”

I didn’t feel a thing when I saw a dead human, I was examining that body and a man and a woman was coming, running, screaming,

“Someone is dead.”

The funny thing was the whole place covered by dead bodies. Every high places has dead bodies below it, everyone was jumping, killing themselves.

And there was a man threatening to jump, I ran and followed him, the young man beside me was gone, I ran desperately, trying to reach the man before he jumped, I was beside the fortress, there was a net, and I entered the scariest part of my dream.

I was back seeing the fortress with its two hallways, I was back to into the two groups and I have to play a deadly game, I knew every part of my dream is going to looping, repeating all over again.

Automated Jim

I haven’t called you since God only Knows when.
Jim.
Jim.
Wake up.

---

I am walking in the automatic mode.
I am programmed to wake up, do my job, back home, and sleep just so I can wake up again.

So today I made a breakthrough.
I called my name repeatedly, hoping my soul back inhibit my body.
I called it desperately, before it gone too long.
I looked inside my chest, the numbness that I have never felt went away, I have never felt it only because I didn’t realize I was numb – and finally I was able to think clearly,
“Jim back, the longer you gone, the easier you broke a bone.
Back Jim, you actually can do anything.”

But what I tried was useless. Because there isn’t any me in this body. There isn’t in this physical body. There isn’t me/I/myself – a self, there have never been, so it was just a voice of something tickling inside a physical body. Inside the automated Jim, there have never been anything. Routines rolling his bones and flesh, hammering his soul, routines stealing his identity, bleaching Jim, corrupting Jim, – only true if Jim was actually existed.

Soft Strangulation – Adult Only

“I have something to tell you.”
“Not now, Josh, my neck feels awful.”
“It’s not Tetanus.”
“What else? You already joked about wrong position.”
“Well, it has something to do with why I don’t want to turn the light on when we do it.”
“Josh?”
“First of all, I’d like to tell you how much I love you.”

Last week I was checking my reflection on the mirror. I was strangling myself. Right when I felt I was going to black out, I stopped. As the purple strangle mark felt awfully hot, I felt tears in my eyes. My vision was finally getting clear, my tongue stopped popping out, my brain thumping, as my lungs gasping breath, I felt pleasure. The problem was, I knew that was not enough pleasure.

“I love strangulation.” That look on her face. Fingers fucking crossed. “I also love you.” I slowly undo my buttons, showing her my purple neck. “My strangulation means love. I swear.” Blue, you’re a shape formed by mystic majesty. Blue, you’re closer than her neck, Blue, you’re something to suck for. Blue, you turn this woman gaspin’, Blue. I’ll get you, Blue, I’ll paint you on my and her body, Neck her, get close to her neck, strangle it, Blue, let’s see the way she needing oxygen. Goodbye Mystical Blue, I let you dissolve just so I can see you later today. Mystical Blue, don’t fuck me up. She is checking my neck. “I strangle you on your sleep just because I love you.” Fuck. “You’re not going to leave me, right!?” She is running so fast, I can’t even catch her, “I’ll fucking let you smother me if that fucking makes you forgive me!”

Familiar Feeling

I can see you every Monday at 11.
I’ll always be waiting on the platform to have the exact same train with you,
And I’ll accidentally touch your long hair,
I’ll have a thread and I’ll decor my diary with it.

On Wednesday 8, you’ll always be with your coffee and bring tons of boxes,
I’ll always save you so I sit on this train since 6 and I’ll offer my seat to you,
Could it be love?
Because all I dreamed about is your talking hair,
Pampering me with a shallow touch,
And I’ll always drown in those dreams,
Then I’ll always wake up feeling beautiful,
Very meaningful.

When I met you at a market,
I dropped my groceries around your foot,
And you kindly helped me with it,
This accidentally touching hands,
2 seconds of eye contact and I asked,
“Do I feel familiar?”
Your disbelief and treason feeling,
Your distance of fear as I explained how mesmerizing your hair were,

a broken and betrayed heart,
A heart with the need of move on,
So I come to your sleep and I cut your hair pixie.
I cut it and I bald your hair off
I cut it so we both fall into endless pain.
I’m saying goodbye so you can stop stalking my mind.